|How to Give a Pill to a Cat
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. FORCE jaws open and PUSH pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws, ignoring low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
FORCE mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from roof of neighbor’s shed. Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto cat’s
neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon.
Flick pill down throat with rubber band, close cat’s mouth and hold
shut to the count of 30.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat’s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by piece of steak. BE ROUGH ABOUT IT.
Hold cat’s head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to
wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye.
15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give A Dog A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.